For die-hards, no horror movie can be too scary. But for you, a wimp, the wrong one can leave you miserable. Never fear, scaredies, because Slate’s Scaredy Scale is here to help. We’ve put together a highly scientific and mostly spoiler-free system for rating new horror movies, comparing them with classics along a 10-point scale. And because not everyone is scared by the same things—some viewers can’t stand jump scares, while others are haunted by more psychological terrors or can’t stomach arterial spurts—it breaks down each movie’s scares across three criteria: suspense, spookiness, and gore.
If you haven’t had enough of towering Swedish actor Bill Skarsgård scaring the living daylights out of you as the killer clown in It, then I’m pleased to announce that this edition of the Scaredy Scale will be about his attempt to do it all over again. The new Nosferatu finds Skarsgård trying to match writer-director Robert Eggers’ freak, which is no small task given the auteur (also responsible for The Witch, The Lighthouse, and The Northman) is known for his signature blend of creepy folklore, horror, and, simply put, delightfully weird shit. Now, in his first article-less feature-length film, Eggers decided to take on the classic vampire tale, revamping the classic 1922 German film of the same name with stars such as Lily-Rose Depp, Nicholas Hoult, and Willem Dafoe. There’s little question that the movie is good—for a genre flick, it boasts exceptionally high numbers on review aggregators—but just how scary is this not-so-jolly Christmas release? Is it OK to take the kiddies who are in town for the holidays, or should you sneak out from the festivities to watch it alone? Let’s dive in.
Nosferatu starts with the sound of distressed breathing set to only a black screen, from which you don’t know what will emerge. Then, it doles out its first, genuinely surprising, jump scare within those first five minutes. It’s a film that shows you, from the start, just how much it wants to terrify you as a movie that’s not about what goes bump in the night, but BAM. There are frights aplenty, but they’re nothing if not artful. Plenty are accomplished with sound that unexpectedly crescendos and, thus, can be avoided by a well-timed plugging of ears. But it would be a shame to miss how its combinations of high-volume string instruments, quick cuts, darkness, and bodily fluids are used to raise your heart rate. Some of the heightened moments of tension are even playful, like one particularly successful shock that is followed by a shot so angelic my screening laughed at the tonal whiplash. Of course, that heavenly tableau then tees up a set piece, practically lifted from a future textbook on horror masterclasses, that will have you unconsciously holding your breath. Be prepared for your nervous system to get a workout.
The Grand Guignol in Nosferatu isn’t frequent or fundamental to the plot like it is in some other horror franchises, but whenever it does come time to get grisly, Eggers goes for broke. Given that the story follows a vampire that brings a plague to a whole town, there’s naturally a healthy amount of bodily fluids on display. Chief among them, of course, is blood: It spurts, it squirts, it pours, it pools, it even, somehow, bursts. In the film’s most repulsive moments, something alive is always being bitten into, whether it’s a human neck or an animal head. And, given the whole plague thing, there are also sufficient sickly sights to amply disgust you. Not to mention the abundance of spit and mucus, which is, admittedly, not my thing. Your mileage may vary, but if you’re even the slightest bit squeamish, you may want to reconsider your decision to see this one at a dine-in theater.
Seeing Lily-Rose Depp’s body demonically contort might stay with you, sure. But the truth of the matter is: The film is set in a specific time and place, and unfolds like it does because of a character’s poor decision-making years prior. The movie is a total ride, but as long as you don’t time-travel back to 1838, go to Germany, and make a deal with the devil, you should be able to mostly leave this one behind you.
2024 has offered no shortage of creative horror flicks, like Nicolas Cage’s viral Longlegs, the riveting social commentary The Substance, the high-concept Late Night With the Devil, and the daring Hugh Grant vehicle Heretic, not to mention international standouts like South Korea’s Exhuma and France’s MadS. It is only fitting that the year should end with another entry in this category of Actually Good Horror Movies. Though Nosferatu may not keep your pulse pounding for too long after you leave the theater, its full-throttle exploration of art meeting terror should leave a mark on you in the best way. You’ll definitely close your eyes at the carnage, and cover your ears at the jolts, but nothing about its scares is cheap. Not everyone lives forever, but some Christmas memories can still be immortal.
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